Internal monologue of a frustrated geekette – Day #168

Monday – Day #168
My day in 3 words: Fucking hell, Alice!
Happiness (%): 56%

Monday, another Monday. I hate Mondays. Mondays feel like a slap in the face right after a nice weekend where I managed to forget everything about the people that I work with. I can’t bring myself to describe these vague humanoids as colleagues. That would be granting them with the assumption of intellectual abilities; something, I fear, that is in the range of a utopian dream.

Today I sat down, mouse at the ready, waiting for interesting challenges to pop in my general direction. They told me I would be given the new strategic project for Stansted Express. That sounded like something that would be exciting and I really was in need of excitement. It turned out that they gave Stansted to Alice… supposedly because she needs to learn how to build strategic plans. Is that an excuse to give her the only interesting project I’ve had in weeks?

Anyway, Alice turned her little rat face at me today, squeaking in her little voice something about achieving the highest level of conversions ever for her stupid caravanning client. I am too kind: I checked. I logged in to Google Analytics and checked her conversions. She’s supposedly tracking all form submissions as ‘event’, she said, proudly. Well done girl… except she’s got twelve hundreds events in the past two months because she’s simply forgotton to set up the event tracking on the submit button. Instead it’s been tracking every single time the page loads. That would explain why the client is looking quite confused while she prides herself on the success of her awesome lead generation campaign. Poor Mr. Caravanning has barely received any notification emails from the form. Actually I’m unfair: he’s received one notification email from Mr. Bob van Bob who lives in Test-town and whose phone number is 01234567890. That was me when I tested the form two months ago.

When I mentioned to her that she wasn’t tracking the right conversion she pulled an annoyed little face. Then she peeped:

‘What are we going to do?’

We… like it’s my job to mop the sad puddle caused by the degeneration of her melted brain. I fixed the JavaScript code so it actually tracks submission now. I wonder why she didn’t ask any of the developers to sort it out for her… I also showed her a trick in Google Analytics that has probably been placed there for all the sad idiots like Alice. In the event reporting board there’s an option to differentiate action and impression based events, impression being a page load. Alice was mildly impressed but she still decided to report everything to the client. For some reason she is convinced the client should know how often a page that has always been loading perfectly in the past has continued to do so for the past two months. I suspect she chose to report on impression because it’s a larger number than the actual number of submissions, which is null. It seems to be the new motto of pointless marketing: report large figures regardless of how relevant they might be to the actual project.